You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July, 2008.
Gone for the past week visiting family, Dallas was exceptionally well behaved. Is it not amazing that these kids can behave themselves when they want to? Makes you realize that they truly do know how to behave well, they only have to want to.
The past few days without Dallas has been such a reprieve. I have enjoyed the break. We did have one incident where I received multiple calls from him that I missed. I finally get ahold of him and he tells me he broke his leg skateboarding and can not get ahold of his aunt and uncle. After a few tense minutes we get ahold of someone to pick him up and take him to the Emergency Room. The “broken leg” was really a large laceration that required many sutures. The habit of embellishing injuries, along with truth, has been a constant personality trait we have had to deal with. I can never accept a story as stated; as the truth will have been stretched in one direction or another.
All in all, I am very pleased and happy that Dallas did so well with his aunt and uncle. That is a glimmer of hope that he may one day choose to live life differently. I will be here pushing him along and making headway, I hope!
In order to assist me in this I have decided to order the program, The Total Transformation. I have looked at their websit over and over and finally decided that the large price tag is worth it if we make some positive changes in our relationship and his behavior. I hate the thought of spending all that money if it fails. There is only a 30 day refund policy so you have to see changes pretty quickly. I have received it and listened to the first disc. To tell you the truth I am not completely amazed at the information or the way it is presented but the way we are doing things now is not working so I am going to give this a wholehearted chance. I will give a weekly update on the program and if and how it is helping us change our family dynamics so we can be successfull.
In the wee hours of the morning last night after another temper tantrum from my son I actually felt positive feeling from my child.
My husband caught him taking pictures of himself naked with his cell phone, he barged in on him in the bathroom and that is wrong but I will have to deal with that another day. I deleted them and saw that he has pictures of girls exposing their breasts and pcitures of marijuana on his phone also. Anger got the best of him and he told me he was moving back with his father. I told him I loved him and wanted him here. He left but did come back. He threw his little debbie fudge rounds at me (did not hit me) for not giving him his phone and he left again. Leaving him alone as his counselor suggested was my game plan. Give him time to diffuse his anger and let him come back when he is ready.
He did come back around 1 am. He was VERY angry. I whispered when I spoke and said we needed to be quiet so we don’t wake up the baby and eventually he did bring his tone of voice down. Amazing!! that actually works. I told him my concerns of the naked pictures and my concern over the marijuana pictures and the implications it could have for him and myself. Of course the angry beast reared its head again and we decided to have him take a drug test. This was a test that uses saliva. You have to rub it on the cheeks and tongue and then hold under your tongue until there is a flow of saliva on the test stick. It was really more difficult to get enough saliva than I imagined. It did come out negative. That of course made him happy and I apologized for assuming he was using drugs. We began talking and we ended up talking for about 1 1/2 hours. The entire time he had me scratch his back and rub his head. This child wants to have physical touch and be close. I want to give him that too but his anger and rages make it very hard to give him that.
I am so overjoyed that I was able to connect with him last night. I am so exhuasted having to get up early with the baby but I have to look at is as an infant coming home from the hospital. It is going to be really tough at first with the sacrifices but in the end it will be worth every second and more. I am not giving up.
I truly have to admit that I just want to give up 90% of the time. I feel so frustrated and angry that I have to deal with a child that is so out of control. I am at a loss of what to do. Counseling seems to be a slow process that may likely end up in wasted time. Why is my son this way? Why did I receive this burden? Why can I love someone so much but have hatred for him at the same time. I just want him to let me be a mother and nurture him as a mother should. He pushes me away, is verbally abusive, has no decision making skills, is angry and dangerous. I pray for help, I pray that someone will help me. I don’t know how long I can survive with this knot in my stomach waiting for something bad to happen. I am on the verge of tears all the time. I am exhausted. I stay awake until I know he has gone to sleep. Many times I only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I survive on caffeine and sugar loaded foods. I am feeling myself slip into a depression. How long can I take it??? How long can I continue to subject myself, my husband, and my other children to this??
My counselor told me that I might have to look into state help with foster care or institutionalizing him. He would not stay regardless of where he was at. He would leave and continue his downward spiral into a world that he can not even comprehend. Today he told me that he hangs out with older guys because he is more mature than his peers. Mature??? I would say that he is more inmature. He has friends that are as lost and angry as he is. They have no committment to anything other than getting high and living life for today.
The most recent drama in our lives (this is measured by minutes not by days or weeks) was a call from 911 telling me to go to an intersection near our home. It was around the corner so I got there in minutes. As I am walking up to the scene I see a young man in the median getting a sobriety test. A little part of me hoped it was Dallas, hoped this was a the wake up call for him that I was waiting for. Another part of me was scared breathless. If he is drinking and driving, and without a license, what will he chose to do next?
The story was that Dallas was a passenger in his friends car. He and two friends had been drinking earlier in the evening and were returning home to his friends house after dropping off another friend at home. He got in the turn lane and hit the gas instead of the brake and was unable to correct the mistake. The car ran into the median hitting a traffic sign and landing in a concrete ditch. An unknown person stopped and helped them get the car off the concrete drainage piece and then told them to push the car back into the street and get out of there. The police arrived as Michael was trying to push the car up the incline of the ditch.
The driver blew a .27 on the breathalizer. That is over 3 times the legal limit. He is a small guy, only 120 pounds but that level of intoxication still required lots of alcohol. There were also two bottles of liquor found in the car. Michael had to write a statement and was released into my custody. I did give Dallas a alcohol test when we got home. I am using the Alcopro saliva tests. His level was less than .02, the lowest that this test will measure. We found out that his friend has been charged with a DUI, open container, child neglect (since Dalla is only 15), and another charge for the accident.
This kid is 21 and has never been in trouble. I spoke with his mother and she apologized for her son putting Dallas in danger. She has had concerns about them being friends and actually told her son to stay away from Dallas. The age difference worried her and the fact that her son did drink alcohol. She stated that he has always been slower to mature socially and she feels he is enjoying the friendships he has made and is wanting to experience life more than he has.Why did she not call me then? I almost feel as if she is transfering some of the blame onto Dallas for the incident. I do believe he has some ownership in what happened. He paid for the alcohol, got into the car with someone who had been drinking, and was not a good enough friend to not allow his friend to drive after drinking. Her daughter told her one night that the boys had gotten drunk and were unable to go home. This was one night that he stayed the night at her house and I am sad that she did not call me that day to discuss this. We might have been able to avoid this situation.
Of course there is the neighborhood gossip that has already occured and I feel as if all eyes are on me. That my son is responsible for everything that happened. I am the first to admit that he is not innocent but I also feel that there is a level of responsiblity that a legal adult has to a minor. Alot of bad judgement calls and decisions were made. I just pray that this will be a learning experience. I have to remember that there is a reason for everything. I just can not see the reasoning for any of this but hope to one day know what it is.
Today we had a visit with the counselor. I was in the session too. Definitely no real breakthroughs. The entire session he looked down and picked at his fingernails. Everything is someone elses faults and there is no real acceptance that his behavior causes the negative outcomes in his life. I just do not get how someone can be so ignorant of how their own actions can destroy their life. He did reveal that he did think that I loved him. That is amazing. Most times he lets me know just how bad of a parent I am and how much he hates me. To hear him say that I do love him is one step in the right direction.
We spoke about our altercation regarding brushing his teeth and how we can diffuse the anger before it gets out of control. I admitted freely that I too am quick to anger and that I need to learn to walk away and not try to win or feel every fight is completed. Come to find out, with the help of Ron (LCSW), there is a huge realization that we were not even fighting about the same issue. My issue was personal hygeine and wanting to know the countless thousands of dollars we have spent on orlthodontics will not be wasted. His fight was not wanting to be controlled. He simply wanted me to say it once and let him decide if he wanted to brush his teeth. I know the whole issue of brushing his teeth sounds so juvenile but it is demonstrative of the bigger issues we have. How do we live in a family situation where the adult is responsible for the juvenile without having a relationship that does have levels of control?? Do you just let your out of control teen remain out of control?
We were intructed to stop the next time we get into an argument and actually write down what we were fighting about. This is to clarify the issue, fight about the same thing, know what we are fighting about, and to stay on topic. We both started to laugh, not sure if we can do that. But…I am willing to try it.
Now that I look back upon the past few hours I just can not fathom that this all happened. Dallas wanted a ride to hang out with friends. I unfortunately stated that he had stinky breath and he needed to brush his teeth. (On a side note…..it seems that we have the hardest time getting him to simply brush his teeth. I do admit that I am on his tail all the time about it because he NEVER brushes his teeth. Drives me CRAZY). The environment quickly escalated to a shouting match and a great tounge lashing from him regarding my not so sweet attributes of parenting. I don’t know how many explatives he used to describe me but they were quite a few!! He decided to pack his bags and leave. He was “going to disappear, somewhere where you can not find me. I don’t need you and I don’t need my dad, and I have so much money that I can go anywhere”. As always I let him know that a call to the local police reporting him as a runaway would result but he continued to leave. Because I wanted to make him feel as bad as I felt I got the camera and began taking pics of him. He got so angry he tried to swipe the camera from my face and actually smacked my face with the camera. I called 911and he proceeded to try and kick the door in and actually walked down the street to meet the police car. He was arressted for assault. He stated to the cop that I have wanted this all along, for him to go to jail to learn a lesson. On one hand absoutely, YES, I want him to learn a lesson but another part of me feels that he will just make friends with other criminals and will delve even deeper into criminal behavior.
I now in retrospect have to chuckle at him packing all his things (he doesn’t have too much since he just moved back with me from his dad’s 3 weeks ago) and yelling at me. I am sure a stranger looking in would be unsure if they should laugh or beat him silly. His therapist told me to view it as a 15 year old having a 3 year old temper tantrum. He is right, the sad part is I joined in on the temper tantrum when I should have walked away. His anger is so out of control. It scares me. I know I should not engage him but I get so darn mad that I have a hard time walking away. I have so much to learn still with such a short time to learn it in.
Hey everyone…Thanks for taking the time to visit my site and read my ramblings about my challenges parenting a teen with ODD. I truly am doing this for an emotional release for myself but also hope to help others find some glimmer of hope in their own situations. Even if they realize that their situation is not quite as bad as mine and that makes them feel better that would be great =)
